Birds of a Feather

Birds of a feather flock together. The infamous saying which basically states that you are who you surround yourself around. Maybe that's why I tend to "flock" around a close intimate group of friends. No, I can't even say I have that. I tend to surround myself around close "individual" people because frankly, I can't stand doing a group.

I spoke with my BFF today and the drama that she experiences almost on a weekly basis with having a group of girlfriends is ridiculous in my view. The pettiness and the unnecessary drama would drive me insane. Maybe that's why I surround myself around great people, but not all the time...I tend to see these friends on a monthly or bi-weekly basis...just to keep the potential drama down.

Maybe that's why it was always just the BFF and I throughout high school. Within our 12 year friendship, we only had 3 major fights. Yes, those fights lasted for some quite time...ranging from weeks to years...but that's only because we are both stubborn as hell..."birds of a feather".

To my clarify my point, she knows me better than anyone else. Our friendship has been take from a verbal level to more of a...6,7 and 8th sense stance.

For the past three to four weeks, someone came into my life unexpectedly...a nice little surprise. Just as I finally ended a chapter that has consumed nearly 4 years of my life on a happy note, another chapter opened up...or, more like a little prelude.

I'll be the first to say it, I'm pretty jaded. Trust immediately is established with someone new but you can't help but to bring baggage into a new situation...I find that I tend to pack heavy, since I like to prepare myself for the stormy days that could happen out of no where.

For the first time in a long time, this surprise was pleasant and welcomed and lasted longer than all the other ones. Attraction, check...Chemistry, check...compatiablity...still going through the process. Do I think about him when I'm not with him? Yes. Do I miss him when its been a while since we saw each other? Yes. Do I get happy when he contacts me? Yes. Do I get the butterflies when I'm about to see him? Yes. Do I like him? Answer is obvious, yes.

Everyone has their insecurities. One was joked around about (not realizing that it was an insecurity) and ever since then, I've been holding back. You can say it's that nice little wall that I have up. It is true, it's slowly being torn down, but that pretty much put some of the pieces back up.

So I've been holding back emotionally, it's something that I can't help but do. I've opened up more than I know I should...maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing. After not really seeing him for a week...I realized that I do pretty much like him and now I'm OVER analyzing everything. Last time we saw each other, the night ended pretty roughly. For the next day, I was freaking out and was just thinking about things I said (and truly did not mean) and my actions of the night before. As soon as I realized it was okay, I went back to normal...happy go lucky.

Invite to hang out 1, denied due to work. Invite 2 denied due to school. Invite 3 denied due to mental exhaustion. I offered to back off and the offer was taken. At this point, I'm hurt and disappointed. I knew that there was no coming back from that, especially since its really early on. I dusted my shoulders off and realized there was nothing else I would have changed. I kept my feelings in check and showed what I could and glad I did. Drunk texts came later on that night, making me realize that he did think about me and did care about seeing me. But sober texts the next couple of days was the opposite.

In short, I think that he's confused. He's been through a lot and frankly, I don't think he's used to being around someone like me...someone more guarded. Maybe the jack hammer isn't working and he's giving up. I tired taking down the wall and showed more emotion, but I don't think its enough...since sober texts and responses are...not what I expect since I received more in the beginning. Maybe closure wasn't received from his last relationship and that's what he needs in order to move on. Maybe he's just really that busy and mentally exhausted and having me in his life makes me more susceptible to a breakdown. I just wish the communication was a bit more defined...so I can stop speculating.



All of this thinking hurts my head and its something that my BFF sensed...even over the Internet. Even without hearing my voice, she noticed something was wrong and she simply put, "Don't put a wall up...put up a chain link fence. The gate can open or if someone is really determined, they can climb over it". At this point, I don't know if I can even remove the wall...In short....I'm a bit hurt, but this hurt helps me put my guard up...so that I won't AS susceptible to being hurt again..